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This is not the standard Family Conversations post, but it is worthy of sharing. It is a brief interaction I overheard between someone and his young child.

Parent: Did you go potty?
Child: Yep!
Parent: Alright! High five!
High fives ensue
Parent: Wait, did you wash your hands?

I forget the child’s answer, because I was chuckling at the less-than-ideal order of his actions. Only go for the high fives after you verify the child has clean hands.

Delta : Dad!
Me : Delta!
Delta : Dad!
Me : Delta!
Delta : Dad!
Me : Delta!
Delta : Dad!
Me : Delta!
Gamma : Dad, you’re supposed to say “what”
Delta : Dad!
Me : What?
Delta : I’m hungry.

The scene: Delta is crying.
Delta : What’s the last song on the CD?
Me : Good King Wenceslas
Delta : Gamma said it was Delta is a Bad Boy.
Me : Nope, that’s not even a real song.

The scene: Delta has just finished running up the driveway.
Delta : My head is beating.
Pause
Delta : My heart is in my head now!

Gamma : If fish don’t breathe air, why do they jump out of water? Is it like their swimming?
It took me a second to figure that one out.

Beta : Dad, Gamma hit me!
Gamma : He told me to!
Me : Did you ask him to hit you?
Beta : Yes
Me : Well, what did you expect?

The scene: We are on a long drive. Everyone is quiet and occupied, except for one child.
Gamma : Dad!
Me : Yes?
Gamma : Dad!
Me : Yes?
Gamma : Dad, what would you be like if you had no bones?
I offer some explanation.
Gamma : Dad, why do birds fly in a V?
I offer some explanation.
Gamma : Dad, how do people know what brains look like?
I offer some explanation.
Gamma : Dad, how does an air conditioner work?
I offer some explanation.
Gamma : So when it’s hot out, it gets even hotter because all the cars’ air conditioners take the cold air?
Me : I think so.
Gamma : Dad, how does salt melt snow?
I offer some explanation.
Gamma : Dad, when you cut paper, where does it go?
Me : It just separates, like you’re ripping it.
Gamma : But where does it go?
Me : ???
Gamma : Last time, you said it goes to the other side.
Me : Okay, that sounds right.
I had no idea he asked me that before. Must remember to offer only valid explanations to things.

There were many more, but those were the most interesting questions I could remember.

Me : Look, I just smacked a mosquito.
Gamma : Where?
Me : There, see the blood?
Gamma : Why did the blood come out?
Me : He was drinking my blood, and I hit him, so my blood came out of him.
Gamma : Like he was laughing when he was drinking so the blood came out his nose?
Me : No, his tummy was full of my blood and when I squished him he broke open.

The scene: Gamma is looking at a book cover.
Gamma : Is she a mutant?
Me : No she’s a girl. Twelve. No wait. Thirteen. She just had a birthday.
Gamma : What’s a mutant?
Me : Someone who has changed.
Gamma : So she’s a mutant?
Me : No she’s a girl.
Gamma : She’s a teenager.
Me : I suppose she is a mutant.

We’ll have some mutants in our house in a few years.

Me : Don’t throw things down the stairs!
Delta : That was Gamma.
Me : No it wasn’t – it was a marble.

Gotta teach these kids at an early age the value of humor.

Gamma, singing : Puff the magic dragon lived in Galilee.

Gamma : Do snapdragons like to bite bad guys?

I think too much Mario has him overestimating the abilities of flowers.

Other student : if I caught on fire I’d probably run around crazy.
Me : No, you’re supposed to stop drop and roll
Beta : Just don’t roll in a pile of dry leaves

Good point.

Delta : Is a lemon an animal?
Me : No, it’s a fruit
Delta : But chicken is an animal
Me : Yes
Delta : Do lemons have two legs?
Me : Nope, lemons do not have legs.

Delta, showing me his drawing : This is an underwater gas tank it’s burning up with fire. Because it’s the bad guy underwater gas tank.

Bad guys are a popular topic amongst the 3-6 year-old set.

The scene: I see Gamma is drinking a cup of something.
Me : Is that coffee?
Gamma : I don’t have coffee – I’m not a grandpa!

The scene: I have just returned from running.
Gamma, to me : You stink – you’re all sweaty.
Gamma, loudly : Everybody get your nose shields!

The scene: Everyone is buckled in the minivan and I’m driving.
Beta : I’m going to Dairy Queen! Who’s with me?

Picture it like he’s William Wallace.

The scene: We watched Disney’s The Aristocats the day before.
Delta : Why does everybody want to be a cat?
Me : Because a cat’s the only cat who knows where it’s at.
Delta : Do dogs know where they’re at?
Me : Not as well as cats do.

And sometimes not at all.

The scene: I catch Beta wearing boots inside the house.
Me : Don’t wear your boots in the house!
Beta : It’s okay then – they’re not mine.

Okay, don’t wear anyone’s boots in the house.

Delta : Why did the turkey cross the road?
Gamma : Because the chicken was on vacation.
Delta : No, because the tornado was going to blow him up!

Beta : Dad, can you fix the clock?
Me : Sure, but why is it not working?
Beta : My slider got away from me…

That was in the living room. Not the best place for pitching practice.

Gamma, pointing to a globe : What’s that line?
Me : That’s the equator.
Gamma : What’s the equator?
Me : It’s the middle of the earth.
Gamma : Then where’s the hot lava?
Me : That’s the middle of the inside of the earth. The equator shows the middle of the outside of the earth.

Me : Delta, what are you thankful for?
Delta : Lava.
Me : Okay. How about you, Gamma?

Delta’s answer to most things is “lava”.

Gamma : What’s the opposite of orange juice?
Me : Umm, apple slices.
Gamma : What’s the opposite of lemonade?
Me : Chocolate.

Gamma : Is fish the opposite of less?
Me : ???
Gamma : Because selfish is the opposite of selfless.
Me : Actually, it’s ish. Self-ish. So that would make ish synonymous with more.

Gamma : I just counted to 1000!
Alpha : You did not. That was too quick. What were you counting by?
Gamma : Thousands.

If it looks like a lot of quotes from Gamma, that’s because he’s doing a lot of talking.

Me : No, a bar of milk chocolate does not count as dairy in your dinner.

Delta : Tuna fish, tuna fish, it’s my favorite kind of fish.
pause…
Delta : Tuna fish are kind?

Me : Don’t put cereal between your toes.

Gamma : I was there! I want to go there again. Where is that?
Me : Las Vegas
Gamma : I want to go to Lost Vegas.

Delta : Who left the milk out? Who, who, who whowho!

I don’t know that they’ve ever heard the original song, but somehow they are familiar with Baha Men’s one-hit wonder.

Gamma, to Delta : Call 911 to order pizza!
Delta : Yeah!
Me : No, no, no!

Don’t worry, neither of them had a phone.

Gamma, after falling off the end of a bench : You need to make the bench longer

The funny part was that it was not crowded at all, he was one of two people on a bench that could seat four.

Alpha: Beware the towel of doom!

I don’t know the context, but I believe he was following one of his brothers. With a towel. Of Doom.

Wife (to Delta) : Good job not climbing the ladder to the roof.

Small victories here, folks.

Beta: Nice throw, dad. But next time, try to get it over the plate.

Delta: My pants got wet.
Some Guy: How did that happen?
Delta: I don’t know.

Ignorance is no excuse. Plus, you have been potty trained for many months. We know that you know why and how your pants are wet.

Delta: Look, mom!
Wife: What?
Delta: Pie in the face! Laughter
a few minutes pass…
Delta?
Delta: What, mama?
Wife: Pie in the face!
Delta: I not like that. frown

The funny thing is that most of the kids will react that way – if you say “Pie in the face” to them, they will become upset. Maybe they need to get an actual pie in the face once, so they can realize that just saying it is much nicer.

Delta: I love you mama!
Wife: I love you too, Delta.
I start carrying him off to his bedroom. Partway there, I hear this from him:
Delta: I love the light switch!
Delta: I love everything!

Gamma: Delta, are you immune to poison?
Delta: Yes!
Gamma: That means you’re not allergic to it.

That’s Gamma’s frame of reference. If something makes you sick, you are allergic to it.

Gamma: Ow!
Some Guy: Delta, don’t smack your brother.
Delta: I didn’t smack him – I gave his back a high five!