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It seems my son has inherited my tendency to take questions literally and answer them as asked (not necessary as intended).

Alpha: What can I do to help with dinner?
Wife: Do you want to set the plates?
Alpha: No, not really.
Alpha starts to run upstairs
Wife: Now why did you ask if you weren’t going to do it?
Alpha: Daddy told me to ask.

I was lying on the floor, playing with baby Delta, when Beta started paying close attention to my appearance for some reason. Here are his questions:

• Why is your nose so big?
• Why is your tummy hairy?
• Why is your tummy so floppy?
• Why do you have so many gold hairs?
• Why do you have white hairs in your ears?

And they were all right in a row.

I tried to answer him as best I could, but it was hard to come up with some answers.

• The better to smell you with
• That’s how men are. You’ll get hairy when you are older too.
• Because I haven’t been running during the winter
• That’s what happens as people get older
• Umm… the better to hear you with?

This episode involves Gamma. Enjoy!

I: Don’t tickle his eyes!
I think I was worried that someone’s cornea would be scratched. Sometimes the kids don’t know how to be gentle.

Gamma: When my head gets bigger it will look like your head
I: Yes, when you grow up, that should be the case.
Fans of Space Ghost Cartoon Planet should be thinking of a certain skit right now…

Gamma: Mommy, I put my finger in the plug and it didn’t hurt.
Thanks a lot, whichever children’s book had the lesson about not touching outlets. Now my child will doubt any other warnings we may give him. I can guess his future:
“Look, I’m reading in the dark and my eyes don’t hurt!”
“Hey, I ran with scissors and nothing happened!”
“I played ball in the street and no cars hit me.”
It’s all about risk, son, and probabilities.

Scene: the dinner table, with everyone eating nicely
Gamma: I making water!
I look over and see that he has a fistful of ground beef and he is squeezing it so that the grease drips on the table. Exclamations and a hasty clean-up commence.

Children can be creative. It is my job as a parent to teach them to behave properly without squashing their spirit. It is a fine line between those two ideas sometimes.

Here are some Things Said Recently Around Here:

• Wife: No climbing on the table!
  (This one is common)
• Me: You can’t have your medicine until you eat some more meat.
  (Gamma likes his medicine a little too much)
• Wife: There’s a fly in the house.
  Gamma: Where’d it go?
  Wife: Is it in your nose? (kidding, of course)
  (pause)
  Wife: No! Get your finger out of there…the fly is not in your nose.
• Wife: Do you love me? (sung to the tune from Fiddler on the Roof)
  Gamma: Noooo. (sung back)
  Wife: Boo hoo hoo (pretend crying)
  Gamma: Yes! (he changed his mind)
• Wife: Do you love daddy? (sung to the tune from Fiddler on the Roof)
  Gamma: Noooo. (sung back)
  Me: Boo hoo hoo (pretend crying)
  Gamma: No! (not changing his mind)

Be Careful What You Ask

Alpha: Look! It’s my mini-blinder!
Me: What’s a mini-blinder?
(Alpha shines a bright LED flashlight into my eyes.)
Me: Ow!

It Was Plastic

The Scene: One of the children came crying to me. I must say something to the other child.
Me: Don’t hit your brother with an axe!
Me, imagining loopholes: In fact, don’t hit your brother with anything.
It was a toy axe, but I still decided it was best to confiscate it.

Doesn’t Really Want an Answer

Beta, taking a bath: Can I sleep in the bathtub?
Me: No.
Beta, leaning back so the water covers his ears: WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU.

Children can be creative. It is my job as a parent to teach them to behave properly without squashing their spirit. It is a fine line between those two ideas sometimes.

Here are some Things I Have Said Recently:

• No jumping in the restaurant. And no cannonballs in the restaurant either.
• Get that straw out of there! We don’t drink through our noses.
• Do not use the spaghetti as dental floss.
• The spaghetti is not a jump-rope either.
• and the ever popular The water needs to stay in the bathtub.

It’s always interesting raising Gamma. See for yourself:

I’m Not That Old

Gamma: Open your mouth.
Me: Okay…
Gamma, looking: There’s a spider web in there!

Where’s the Party?

Me: Do I want to know why there’s popcorn on the bathroom floor?
Wife: I don’t know. And pretzels too.

Mr. Contrarian

Gamma: No go home! No go home!
Me: Gamma, we are home.
Pause…
Gamma: No go bye-bye!