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This conversation took place a while ago as we were driving somewhere.

Alpha: Daddy, can we go somewhere where we don’t need to worry about anything?
Me: Why? What do you have to worry about?
Tornadoes.
I think we’ll be okay. Every place has something like that.
Paris! Maybe the Eiffel Tower will fall over.
Maybe, but probably not.
Beta: What does Florida have?
Alpha: Gators!
Me: And hurricanes. And California has earthquakes.
Alpha: And lots of fires.
Me: Oh, and we have mosquitoes. And we have bees.
Beta: Bees are nice. They help the flowers.
Alpha: Male mosquitos are nice.
Beta: They help the flowers just like bees?
Alpha: But female mosquitoes are not nice. They sting you.

I hope he learns not to worry so much – he’s going to have plenty more worries as he grows up, so it’s best to start with as few as possible.

Travel Conversation

For this to make sense, you should know that our kids call my mom “Nanoo” and you should also know that Beta has the bad habit of biting his fingernails. He is always doing that, which means that his fingernails are measured in negative length. It’s bad, and we encourage him to stop.

The Scene: our minivan
We are travelling with the grandparents to a local destination, and Nanoo is riding in the back with Alpha and Beta.

Beta: I’m picking my nose!
Me: Nanoo, you’re in charge of stopping that.
Nanoo: Okay – Beta, don’t do that. Bite your nails instead.
Me: Nanoo, you’re not in charge anymore.

Exploding Stomach

The Scene: Alpha just finished eating a foot-long sub.
Alpha: I feel like exploding
Beta: Okay, explode!
Alpha, waving his arms: Boom!
Beta: No, exploding means throwing up.

You can tell we had just gone through some flu-like symptoms in the family.

The Kinds of Love

The Scene: the dinner table, where I have just warned the children that their food is hot. Spicy hot.
Me: There are two kinds of hot: temperature hot and spicy hot.
Astute Child: And there’s the L-O-V-E kind of hot too.
Me: Umm, yes.
pause
Me: Anyway, that food’s a little spicy, so take a small bite first.

I don’t know what to say to that, other than do not assume that TV programs or commercials will go over your children’s heads. We don’t watch much TV, and we filter the commercials when necessary, and this stuff still slips through.

Bedtime Conversation

or, In which Alpha attempts to buy time in order not to fall asleep

Alpha: How many more days until Christmas?
Me: Let’s see 31 + 28 + 6 = 65. 365 – 65 = 300 – 6 = 294. So 294 days until Christmas
Alpha: Okay. I don’t like being surprised.

I hope that means he will plan well. Not just for Christmas, but life in general.

Updating Bible Verses

We have a CD from Awana with all the verses the kids are supposed to learn. Beta was going throughout his day singing one of the songs, and this was the result:

Beta: Do all things without complaining or computing.
Alpha: Beta, it’s not computing – it’s disputing.
Beta: Oh.
Beta: Do all things without complaining or computing.

We might just have to call it “close enough” and move on to the next verse.

Will They Ever Learn?

For this conversation, I’ll give you only my side and let you figure out what the boys said. Hint: one of them was crying and rubbing his head.

Me: Well, of course. If you play a game where you’re both throwing rocks, that’s going to happen.

You would think they would learn, but I had a very similar conversation about a week later:

Me: Well, maybe you two should stop playing a game where you throw Matchbox cars…

Eventually I’ll learn and just say “No throwing” so that there are no more loopholes.

Here are a couple random conversations that occurred around here recently:

A Careful 5-Year-Old

Me: Be careful, you just hit your brother on the head!
Beta: Yes, but I didn’t poke his eye!

At least he knows what’s important. But where does he learn such things?

Countdown

Beta: What day is tomorrow?
Me: Tuesday.
Beta: And the next day?
Me: Wednesday.
Beta: And the next day?
Me: Thursday.
Beta: Yea! Three more days until Wipeout!

The kids are big Wipeout fans. They were so excited to learn that Winter Wipeout was changing to Spring Wipeout. But then Alpha’s school complicated things:

Challenge

Alpha: The 4th-grade class challenged the school to a week without TV.
Me: That means no Wipeout…
Alpha: Well, we don’t have to do it.

Challenge? That sounds optional. At least I won’t worry about his being tempted by dares when he’s older.

Here are a couple random conversations that occurred around here recently:

Wrestling

I don’t wrestle much with my children. That’s what uncles are for. But a while back they went through a wanting-to-wrestle with Daadaa phase, so I obliged them with some wrestling. How could I refuse when they spread blankets on the floor and propped pillows against the furniture?

So we wrestled. It was Alpha and Beta versus me. They’re still small and light, so I would let them get my shoulders down for a few seconds and then I would recover and get one of them down and then I would let him escape after a few seconds and so on and so forth.

The wrestling continued for a while until I decided I needed a break. I let Beta pin me…

Beta: …8…9…10! I won!
Me: Alright, good job Beta. Now let’s –
Beta: LEVEL TWO!!!

Oh, the problems of growing up with video games.

Air Freshener

The scene: just outside Gamma’s room
Alpha: Dad, we got an air freshener for Gamma’s room!
Beta: Yeah, come see it!
Everyone exits stage left into Gamma’s room

The scene: inside Gamma’s room. The children are standing next to the smelly trash can where all the dirty diapers reside. If ever an air freshener was needed, it’s here.
Alpha: Here’s the air freshener!

At that point he steps on the pedal that opens the trash can and they both run out of the room laughing.

That is definitely NOT fresh air from there.

Here are three random conversations that occurred around here recently:

Key Jokes

Alpha: What kind of key can’t open a lock?
Me: A monkey
Alpha: and a turkey and a donkey

…a little bit of time passes, during which time we have opened the box for a new puzzle…

Beta: What animal can’t open a puzzle?
Me: A monkey
Beta: No, a fish!

Well, he’s right about that.

Not Easily Deterred

Me: Beta, you can’t have a Tootsie Roll – you had one for dessert.
Beta: Okay, I’ll have a candy cane!

You’re not getting the point… or the candy cane either.

Pretty Sneaky

Beta: Whoever says potty talk first is out.
Alpha: Okay
Hey Alpha – how do you spell “pizza”?
P-I-Z-Z-A
What was the first letter?
P-
Potty talk! I win!

I was in the other room and overheard this one. If they knew I was listening they might not have played that game… or they might have just whispered it instead.

Here are three conversation snippets from the last month or so. It might give you a good idea of how things are around here.

Bad Crayons

Wife, while we were waiting for our food at a restaurant: If only he used his crayons for good

That Gamma is one busy boy. We have to watch him a lot more carefully than we did the other two. My favorites are the restaurants that just cover their tables in a gigantic sheet of paper so that it doesn’t matter if the kids don’t stay on the place-mat/menu. This was not one of those restaurants.

Loose Parts

Me: Beta, do you have any loose teeth?
Beta: No, but my eye is loose.

I think it wasn’t actually loose, but I didn’t wiggle it because I didn’t want to find out.

A Salami Idea

Here’s one half of a conversation.

Me: I bet it would, but no, we are not going to find out if salami can stick to walls.

I’ll let you figure out the other half.