Some Blog Site

Here is a special edition of SBS, just for Valentine’s Day. Sometimes you’re not on the same page as your significant other. Sometimes it’s hard to know what the other is thinking. Or even saying.

Transcript:
The scene: a couple is holding hands, gazing at a pine tree.
Girl (out loud): I love you.
Boy (to himself): She loves yew? But that’s not even a yew – it’s a spruce.
Boy (to himself): Maybe she just wants to talk about things we like. I know! I’ll tell her my favorite band.
Boy (out loud): I love U2.

Reader’s Digest has a popular feature where they find some sources from a particular industry and gets tips and insider secrets from them. I think the point is so that you’ll know better how to deal with the system if you need their services. Examples are “13 Things Your Dentist Won’t Tell You” or “13 Things Your Flight Attendant Won’t Tell You” or “13 Things Your Pharmacist Won’t Tell You”.

They seem to have covered all the major industries, so I am going to cover one I doubt they will get: the friendly neighborhood runner. Yes, “runner” as in “person who runs”. Distance runner, as I don’t know how many of these will apply to sprinters.

1. There is no runner’s high.
2. I don’t know what endorphins are.
3. I run only because I have no athletic skills or talent for any other sport.
4. Actually, that’s not true. I run so that I can eat more chocolate.
5. Don’t get too close to me while I’m running – I might blow my nose or spit on you.
6. Don’t follow me if I take a sudden detour into the woods – I’m making my own port-a-potty.
7. No, I didn’t quite get the time I wanted in that race. But I’ll always have a good reason why.
8. I’m not really stretching – I’m just tired and don’t want you to know.
9. I’m not runing on the sidewalk because it ends soon and I don’t want to run through the puddle/tall grass/other hazard that’s there.
10. I can’t see you through your windshield. I wave at most cars, just in case you are waving at me.
11. Even though I might not see you, just wave if you want to be friendly. I’ve had people slow their cars and ask questions or try to chat. Not only is that awkward, but it messes up my breathing rhythm and my pace.
12. I would rather you moved over than slowed down while driving by me. Both would be nice, but it’s easier for me to tell when you’ve moved over than slowed. I like to know that you have seen me.
13. I don’t care how friendly your dog is – I don’t want it following me or running along with me.

And no, these aren’t all mine – some of them are based on my observations of other runners.

By now, all the Christmas decorations should be long gone. Everything’s packed away in attics or basements. Nativity scenes are in storage, and the Elf on the Shelf cannot cause any more mischief.

Which means there is room to expand the market.

The Elf on the Shelf started as an innocent game of hide-and-seek. It seems to have morphed into a game of blame-the-incident-on-the-elf, where parents create minor (or major) catastrophes, place the Elf in a position so that it is obvious he caused the damage, and let the children find him and blame him for his actions. It can be a way to reinforce rules and behavioral expectations to one’s children.

Now with that background information out of the way, let me proceed to my main point:

The Elf on the Shelf people should start marketing him to occasions other than Christmas. My first suggestion to them: politicians.

Just think, politics goes on year-round.
There will always be politicians.
The number of politicians never shrinks, meaning the market for Political Elf on the Shelf will always be strong.
And, politicians are always getting in trouble, meaning demand for the Political Elf on the Shelf will always be strong.

Here is how it would work:

• Step 1: Politician does something bad/wrong/illegal.
• Step 2: Politician holds a press conference.
• Step 3: Politician blames the Elf on the Shelf.

Step 3 isn’t new, what’s new is that now the politicians know whom to blame. They don’t have to spend time thinking about a plausible culprit.

Here is how it would look:

If that proves successful, the Elf on the Shelf could branch into helping celebrities and athletes on Twitter.

• Step 1: Celebrity/athlete says something offensive/ignorant/bad on Twitter/Facebook/social-media-outlet-of-the-day
• Step 2: Public uproar causes PR firm to run damage control
• Step 3: Instead of holding a press conference, the celebrity’s friends will post a photo of the Elf on the Shelf typing on the celebrity’s phone or using the celebrity’s laptop, strongly implying that the offending tweet/post came not from the celebrity but from the trouble-making Elf.

Who else could use an Elf on the Shelf?

1. I have an idea for what I would do if I were in charge of creating a commercial that would air during the Super Bowl.

It would require some cooperation from the network. It should be near the beginning of the 4th quarter. The commercial would start with the actual announcers for the Super Bowl – the viewers should not be able to tell that it is a commercial, they should think it’s the game returning from commercial break.
The announcers would say something like “Welcome back to Super Bowl XLVII, where the Baltimore Ravens are about to”
And then, abruptly, cutting off the announcers, viewers would see the opening of Heidi. Of course, Heidi would run for several seconds before giving way to the actual product pitch. I have no idea what products would be a good fit, or how that transition would occur, but that’s what I have so far.

2. In case you’re wondering, my favorite commercial was the Ram truck farmer commercial. In case you’re not wondering, my favorite commercial still was the Ram truck farmer commercial.

3. We watched the game at my brother-in-law/sister-in-law’s house. The plan was to watch the first half, drive home during halftime (during which the younger kids would fall asleep so we could transfer them right to bed), and watch the second half at home.

Things didn’t go as planned. Halftime started and we realized that we didn’t start the dessert on time. So we made and ate dessert during halftime.

Since the Ravens were winning by a significant amount, I didn’t feel bad missing the 3rd quarter. As I was warming up and loading the minivan, my nephew informed me that the Ravens ran the kickoff back for a touchdown, so it was now 28-6. “Perfect!” I thought. So we left.

“Can we listen to the game?” Alpha asked, as soon as we left the driveway. He seemed to be into the game. I found the station I thought should be carrying the game, but it wasn’t coming in very well. But they were talking about the game, so I left it and figured we would deal with the poor signal. We soon found out that the radio signal was fine – it sounded bad because the announcer was talking through a telephone because the Superdome power went out.

The half-hour drive home happened during the Super Bowl power outage instead of during halftime. Things didn’t go as planned – they went better than planned. Who would want to sit and watch a blackout for 30 minutes of TV?

I figured the younger two would fall asleep and I would transfer them to bed but the older two would want to watch the rest of the game – especially since Beta is into sports as much as he is. Beta fell asleep on the drive. I woke him when we got home, asked him if he wanted to watch the game or go to bed, and was surprised when he chose bed. So, Alpha and I watched the rest of the game. He doesn’t normally stay up that late. I bet that teachers don’t like the day after the Super Bowl because they have to deal all day with a bunch of kids that stayed up too late. Monday was an early bedtime.

4. The Ravens players certainly time things well. I’m not talking about their playing – I mean the administrative-type stuff. Ray Lewis won the Super Bowl for his very last football game, and Joe Flacco won the Super Bowl on the last game before his first real contract negotiation. That’s quite a bargaining chip.

5. If you are to perform the national anthem, the only thing you should add to the song is emotion.

6. My sister-in-law knew the Ravens were going to win when she saw the Harbaughs greet each other on the field before the game. John looked relaxed and Jim looked tense. Of course, they always look that way. She’s right though – in general, if you are relaxed you will play/coach better than if you are tense. Not too relaxed though – you still want to care about the game.

7. I knew the Ravens were going to win because, of all the players the camera showed us during the national anthem, only one was singing along. That was Ray Lewis, of the Ravens.

The base expectation is that a player will stand respectfully and face the flag during The Star-Spangled Banner. But if players are doing something else, I will judge them accordingly. A lot of times, I know nothing else about a player, so my only knowledge of him is how he behaved during the national anthem. If he is goofing off or warming up or otherwise not paying attention, I’ll root against him (if I have no other rooting interests). Likewise, if a player is singing along, I’ll cheer for him.

I wonder why navy seals get all the publicity.

I think gray seals are just as good.

But if you think seals should be blue, here are some other options in the blue-ish family:
Cyan Seals:

Royal Blue Seals:

Aqua Seals:

And, my favorite name, Teal Seals:

Since Beta enjoyed last season’s hockey game so much, we scheduled another one for this year. We expanded and brought Gamma too.

This year’s event was a little more eventful than last year’s – overtime and shootout just like two years ago.

Traditions

It is our tradition that, during the first intermission, Beta gets a cup of hot chocolate. This year was no different, except I got Gamma a cup of hot chocolate too. Most of the second period was spent blowing on his hot chocolate so that it would be cool enough for him to drink.

I got a soft pretzel and shared it with the boys. That worked out well, much better than the overpriced almonds last year.

Another tradition is that we sit by the Zamboni entrance. That way the kids can watch closely as it drives by.

(more…)

Transcript:
Officer: I’m pulling you over for reckless driving.
Driver: It’s true I haven’t had any accidents…but I didn’t expect a commendation.
Officer: Commendation? No! It’s a ticket.
Driver: A fine? For not having any wrecks?
Officer: No, for reckless driving.
Driver: Right, wreckless driving.
Driver: Just what is “reck” anyway?
Officer: ?!?
Driver: I mean, I know what a wreck is and why I don’t want one.
Driver: But why do I want more reck?
Officer: They don’t pay me enough for this.